Thursday, October 4, 2012

Agony Aunt: I Want Revenge

Asalamu Alaykom,

I keep getting questions so I keep answering them.  Inshahallah I give the best advice I can.  I am not a psychologist or a mind reader.  I'm just another person trying to figure life out.  From a variety of experiences I've gained some knowledge alhumdulillah.  If I'm able to share some and spare some agony then it's all good.

Salamu Alaikom Sister Yosra,

I was married for many years to a good man who always did right for me.  He loved me.  He treated me well.  He took me out.  My brother's wife saw him do all this for me.  She wanted him for herself.  I felt this.  All of a sudden, my husband asked for a divorce.  At the same time my brother's wife also asked for a divorce.  When I told my husband's sisters that I thought there was something between them, they accused me of having evil thoughts.

I felt very alone.  I cried so much.  Only the Quran gave me comfort.  It was two years of feeling so terrible. I had nothing.  I lost everything.  I only had my children but they blamed me for what happened.  I coudln't tell them everything I thought.

Finally, at the end of those two years, those two got married and then people knew the truth.  His sisters now sided with me.  The children understood better what had happened.  I no longer felt like I was going crazy.

So, they are together and I will being seeing them soon at a family party.  We all have to be there together though it's going to kill me.  He hates me and can't even look me in the eye.  I feel like I want to take revenge on them some how but I don't know what I should do.

Wa Alaykom Asalam Sister,

Wallahi you have suffered a lot.  Alhumdulilalh that you are clean from that dirtiness.  For real, say, "alhumdulillah" right now.  Be VERY HAPPY you were made aware of the truth and could be free from their games.

"The brother-in-law is death," is the hadith; the saying from the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) that many "modern" Muslims want to ignore.  With other men, we women have our guards up.  We don't look at them let alone mingle with them  and our husbands protect us from them.  However, with male in-laws, we feel they are "like brothers" but they're not.  They are eligible partners for us and we cannot pretend otherwise.  Stories like this absolutely prove the point.

Shaytan really played with your family.  Shaytan LOVES to break up husbands and wives.  Imagine how much dearer this scenario was for him to have two families break up with sisters and brothers fighting and taking sides against each other.  Astragferallah.

I can understand why you'd want "revenge".  The best revenge is happiness.  Go ahead and live your life.  Be a success.  Enjoy your freedom.  It may hurt to be alone but do trust that God saved you from a tormented life of haram.  Because you are free from your ex, you can now live a halal life.  Don't ruin the goodness you have by trying to figure out how to hurt them.  They are already damaged people.  On the Day of Judgement, they will have to face Allah for what they've done.

He can't look at you because you are too good for him.  Like partners with like.  The two of them are better suited for each other.  Alhumdulillah.  Really say, "alhumdulillah".  He couldn't stay with you because you were almost like two different species; a cow can't have a donkey as a mate.  Natural selection is in the human race as well.  His inability to be with you isn't hate.  He is repelled by your goodness because it's too good for him.  The light of Islam hurts his darkness and shows him how far he's fallen away from you.

You don't have control over him, her, or your children.  You only have control over yourself.  Be the best YOU that you can be.  You are absolutely right to read Quran.  Alhumdulillah you know how to go to The Source to find your peace.

Never again love a man so completely.  That me-to-you relationship is not what you need.  What's better is me-to-God and God-to-you connection.  Don't love any man again except through Allah.

Go to God and ask for a good man.  Being alone is not advisable.  It's OK to tell God that you want a partner who will respect you and honor you.  If you are meant to have another husband, then he is already out there for you.  You need only ask God for him.

The family party is a hard situation.  The way I deal with my interactions with AbuBoo is that I remember him ONLY as my son's father.  The man I once loved so deeply is gone.  Literally, that man is dead to me.  No, I don't wish that AbuBoo is dead.  Alhumdulillah he's alive and able to be a good (albeit much reduced) influence on his son.

Alhumdulillah your children are able to enjoy a special time with both of their parents.  Let that wish for them propell you forward to goodness (not revenge).  Ask Allah to protect you that day.  Keep rememberance of Allah.  Be gracious.  Enjoy as much as you can.  It will come to an end at the end of the night and then you can go home to your peaceful life.

And alhumdulillah it really is as peaceful as you allow it to be.

Thanks for asking me to remind you.  You actually knew all this before.  Inshahallah you can stay positive and make good choices for staying happy and healthy now and in the future.


Thankful Slave said...

Assalam Aleikum,

Good points indeed sis. Yosra, this story is only adding few more grey hair to our heads...may Allah Protect us all, I'll have to share this story with my daughters. Allah is and remain the Best Protector.

You see, at the end of the day, each individual is tested by Allah in something, and when we see/hear about these kind of stories, one must say: "al hamdulil'Allah alladhi a3fana mim'mma ibtala bihi kathiran min ibadihi wa faddalana ala kathiran min khalqihi" (~Praise be to Allah Who protected from the ibtilah of so many of his Servants and Preferred us over so many of his Creatures. That way, it will prevent the individual from falling into the same trap/test.



Yosra said...

Wa Alaykom Asalam TS,

Thanks for voicing your thoughts.

I want to hear more about your grey hairs. Does this mean that this recounting of bad deeds is too upsetting? It is a downer that these kinds of things happen.

My question to you (and anyone else wanting to speak up) is whether or not you feel these stories needing solution are beneficial to you as readers OR if they aren't beneficial to you...that you see them as good for someone else---not just the woman with the problem but others in the ummah (either with a simmilar problem or to avoid HAVING a simmilar problem).

By telling your daughter this true story (and I admit it's one-sided...Allahu alim the whole truth) do you think that it helps her avoid the pitfall?

I wondered about continuing the "Agony Aunt" activities. I know that if I only give advice to one but don't tell it to all that I'm missing an opportunity to reach others. Yet, I don't want to bring people down.

There is another one in the works. So far, each and every one has been about a man. reminds me of the line in "Eat, Pray, Love," where the author has the chance to ask an ancient wise man anything and she realizes that she really just wants to ask about her love life.

I like that you included the du'a. I don't know everything for sure. I appreciate when readers can fill in the gaps.

Please, if you can, help me understand more of where you're coming from on this.

I'd like to hear from others as well.

Light and Love!

Thankful Slave said...

Sis. Yosra,

The mention of grey hair is just because we are showered these days with sad news happening all around the world, where reading any newspaper brings so many sadness on the state of the Ummah today.
Just as an example of today's articles I read, to name a few: a father in Jordan raping his daughter and she got pregnant from him, a woman in Egypt strangles her husband because he wanted too much s.. with her, etc...etc..

As for the stories you mention, these are necessary for the rest of us, why necessary? simply because Muslims MUST learn from the mistakes of the others, so that they can learn from the tricks of shaytan, to avoid falling into them. The Quran is full of stories that are meant for us to ponder upon and to take heeds and lessons.
I am hoping that my daughters would learn from this story, under the angle that there are some women out there who are capable of taking what you have. It shows also that the danger comes from the relatives, as they are already in the inner circle, I think we already spoke about this in one of your other entries.
I guess another lesson learnt from here is that one must keep low profile of what he/she has.
The sister clearly mentioned in the entry: "My brother's wife saw him do all this for me". To me, this is already the start of the problem: her "good" life with her husband was apparent or too apparent to the other one, and for sure, envy would start to brew and consequences were obvious. It is crucial that we keep discreet on what we have and do, in order to avoid the evil eye of the others, and avoid the envy of the others. Ulamah are emphasizing on this, because we know from the hadeeth of the Prophet (S) that evil eye is true, and omen is false.
So yes, I hope my children would take the lesson and would benefit from it, I hope they will be more prepared to face the world later on when they grow up. To me, experience in life is like gold, very valuable.
I'd also teach my children that in life, you must be careful not to make people envious of you. One way to achieve this, is to keep low profile of what you have and do. What your husband provides you as good should be the business of no one else but you. Of course, we are only seeing a side of this story, and it is difficult to judge, especially if she was living in a family house where it is difficult to keep secrets or keep discreet.
This being said, when surfing on my facebook, I often see many "talkative" women who should really stay discreet. One relative announcing pregnancy lost the baby few weeks later, another one getting engaged saw everything cancelled, and so on...

Conclusion: there is a lot to learn from stories like this, and you must always give the advice to a sister/brother if she/he ask you for it. We should however try to listen from both sides and not lean to one side unless we heard both stories. As this is not always achievable, we can only provide the best advice we could, while making duas to Allah to Guide us and to Guide that person to the best always.

May Allah Bless you always, keep the good work up,


Yosra said...

Wa Alaykom Asalam TS,

Thanks for clarifying. I really do appreciate you taking the time.

Subhanallah the stories you mention are absolutely dreadful. I was thinking that this problems could bring people down but they are TAME by comparison. Astragferallah for all those who allow Shaytan to lead their lives.

I hear you on many levels. I do think it's good to say again how we need to be careful. We need to keep that low profile, as you say. What you added was absoltuely true. I did get the feeling too that the wife's happiness and enjoyment were too apparent. I took out the identifying info of where the brother's wife was but "yes" they were on her daily radar.

Also, I know all too well that if a woman wants what you have, she will stop at nothing---let's remember Aziz's wife who went after Prophet Yusuf (pbuh).

I totally agree that making things "Facebook Official" often leads to disaster. The next Agony Aunt has a Facebook element to it. Makes me really happy that I have eliminated "friends" from mine.

Thanks for your help in making my efforts more focused.

May Allah protect you and your family from love of this world.